How You Talk Shapes How You Parent

Could the way you interact with your partner shape your child’s future? In this blog, we'll look at a study published in 2019 led by Dr. Tricia Neppl at the University of Iowa that shows how a healthier dynamic between partners can support better outcomes for children.

The Study

Researchers followed 209 families over several years and observed how partners interacted when the children were toddlers and preschoolers. Trained observers noted how warmly partners spoke to each other, how they handled disagreements, and how each parent engaged with their child.

A few years later, when the children were five, the researchers measured how socially confident and capable each child had become. They looked at how well the kids played with others, adjusted to new situations, and handled day-to-day challenges. Then, to connect these outcomes to the earlier family interactions, the team used a method called structural equation modeling, which statistically maps how different family relationships influence one another over time. In simple terms, they were testing whether a healthier partnership between parents sets off a chain reaction that leads to better parenting, stronger parent-child attachment, and stronger social skills for children.

Key Findings

When partners treated each other with warmth, support, and cooperation, they were more likely to show positive parenting behaviors and their children tended to feel more securely connected to them. These two factors together were linked to higher social competence in the children by age five.

Importantly, these patterns held even after accounting for the child’s earlier social skills. In other words, the couple’s dynamic added something beyond the child’s natural temperament or starting point.

Here’s how these patterns might show up in everyday life. When one parent dismisses or criticizes the other, that stressed parent becomes less patient and responsive with their child. The child picks up on this tension and feels less secure. Over time, that insecurity shows up as difficulty sharing with other kids, trouble adjusting to new situations, or hesitation in social settings. The opposite is also true. When partners listen to each other and respond with warmth, they have more emotional bandwidth for their child. That child feels safe, learns to trust relationships, and carries that confidence into friendships and school.

So the way you and your partner talk to each other shapes how you parent, and that parenting becomes the model your child uses to understand and relate to the world.

Practical Takeaways

1. Protect your partnership.
The way you treat each other shapes how you parent. Invest in small daily or weekly rituals to reconnect so stress doesn’t quietly erode the teamwork your child depends on.

Try a 10-minute check-in after the kids are in bed, Saturday morning coffee while they watch cartoons, or simply asking "How are you doing, really?" once a day and giving your full attention to the answer.

2. Stay aligned as parents.
Kids thrive when parents send consistent signals. Have brief check-ins to agree on routines, expectations, and discipline so you’re presenting a steady, united approach. Ask questions like "How should we handle it when she refuses to put her toys away?" or "Should we let him have screen time before homework?" These small moments of alignment help your child feel secure because they know what to expect.

3. Build secure attachment through small moments.
A child’s confidence grows from feeling safe with each parent. Keep predictable routines like the same bedtime ritual or consistent morning goodbye. Offer comfort when they're upset by getting down to their eye level and validating feelings before problem-solving. Carve out one-on-one time with each parent. Even 15 minutes of undivided attention reading, building blocks, or taking a walk strengthens that bond.

4. Handle stress without turning on each other.
Parenting stress is normal, but how partners respond to it matters. When things feel tense, pause before responding. Name what you're feeling out loud instead of snapping. Then choose one small supportive step like asking your partner to take the kids for 10 minutes while you breathe, or suggesting you tackle bedtime together instead of separately.

5. See your family as a connected system.
Couple dynamics, parenting behavior, and child development all feed into one another. When you notice your child acting out or withdrawing, it can help to reflect on how you and your partner have been treating each other lately. The answer often reveals where to focus your energy. Investing in your partnership through better communication and intentional connection is also an investment in your child's social and emotional world.

Study Limitations

Like all research, this study has a few limitations to keep in mind. The families were mostly from similar backgrounds, so the findings may not reflect the experiences of more diverse households.

Observations also took place in structured settings, which may not capture every nuance of daily family life. And while the study followed families for several years, it still can’t prove cause and effect with complete certainty.

Even with these limits, the patterns it uncovered offer meaningful insight into how couple dynamics and parenting shape a child’s social development.

Research Into Practice

The small choices partners make in how they listen, respond, and support one another ripple outward into their child’s confidence, social skills, and long-term well-being. But knowing this and actually changing communication patterns in the middle of parenting stress are two different things.

That's where Talkwell comes in. We designed our platform specifically to bridge the gap between understanding what healthy communication looks like and practicing it in real time. Talkwell helps couples identify their communication patterns, understand what's really driving their reactions, and find the most constructive ways to express thoughts and feelings, especially during those tense moments when old habits tend to take over.

Whether you're navigating a disagreement about discipline, feeling disconnected after a long day, or simply want to strengthen your partnership, Talkwell provides the tools to communicate in ways that create a steadier, more supportive environment not just for the two of you but for your whole family to grow and flourish.